Children

Why do we have them?

My life has two awesome girls, who I gave birth to.  They are their individual self, that's what I wanted them to be. Have their own personalities, not be dependent on anyone but themselves.

My elder one is all grown up in her late 20's and has a life of her own.  The younger one is still in her teens and is also growing up to be an independent woman.  I should be happy, I wanted them this way, but, I'm not.

Somewhere along the line I feel I have made mistakes in their upbringing.  I have tried to be their friend while being their mother, tried to keep up with the trends, the music, their friends during their growing up phase, but I have not been able to keep up with their expectations.

The elder one has a lot of bitterness against me, she doesn't voice them, but its felt.  I've tried to be a mother that I felt was good for them, but in the process I have taken a lot of rap from my husband, which they've seen growing up.  The elder one cannot find someone that she can love, sad isn't it?  As a partner I have been a failure and that has rubbed off on my child and in turn I am now a failure as a mother too.

The younger one is at an impressionable age and unfortunately I am setting her on the same path, I still take the shit that is sent my way and wallowing in self pity, yet I am unable to do anything about it because I am not geared up to take care of myself.

I have these dreams for them and hope they become better human beings than I ever will be.

Unpredictable Life

This morning a colleague mentioned that he had just lost his 27 year old sister in law who committed suicide following a problematic marriage.  A marriage that took place when two people fell in love and wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.

So what makes the relationship fall apart to the extent that one person is driven to take their own life?

We are all in relationships that need compromising.  We all do.  Is there a limit to this compromise? When can one say 'NO'? 

A grown woman in a relationship for 25+ years and yet life is unstable.  The husband wants his way with everything.  Life has to run to his command and the wife who is nearing menopausal age with 2 grown up daughters agrees to it all.  Why you might ask, well, life has seen plenty twists and turns, the wife has made many mistakes in life, mostly by giving up a career where she could have flourished.  But at the time the thought of leaving behind her babies to be with nannies wasn't something she cared for, after that it just became a habit to stay at home.  There have been plenty offers, some good, some not so good, but she didn't last anywhere for long.  Hence, the financial dependence now doesn't allow her to be her own self.


The dominant nature of the husband, his insecurities about her has led her to contemplate suicide a number of times, yet she hasn't been able to.  She is the kind to let others be her priority, she thinks of her old parents and her daughters and how their life will change if she ceases to exist and always rethinks her life.  She has a roof over her head, food on the plate, loving, supportive parents and children, fun friends, what more can she ask for? Bypass the autocratic husband and life is certainly good!  Someone somewhere has it worse, so committing suicide isn't an option.

Leave life to its own devices and you will get what you truly deserve, that's the way of Karma!

Back to the drawing board

Its been a while since I had the urge to write something. Had all but forgotten that the blog existed.

I am who I am and I have come to terms with this fact at my ripe old age.  Touching 50 soon, though these are not those days when one feels old this soon, but I guess I have my moments, like a lot of other people.

I don't care much about what people think anymore these days, I'm told it 'happens with age'.  I'm also told 'age is just a number', yes, I truly believe this! The last two years of my life have been terrible, yet wonderful, I have loved to love myself, have loved to be a single parent to a teenager, have loved to be answerable to no one.  Terrible because I suffered, unable to share my life with someone, terrible because I had to let go of a lot of people from my life, terrible because of all the financial hardships.

All in all though, I am a winner, I have a great child, I have a wonderful, emotionally supportive family, I have learnt to heal myself, I have learnt to be a positive person and if the compliments are anything to go by, I am looking better now that I ever did, 'a curious case of Benjamin Button', so I'm told.

Life isn't always good and it shouldn't be either, how else does one learn to cope otherwise.  But after the harrowing couple of years, I want it to be good and I want nothing more.  My subconscious says I will have a better life, the way I want it and it will be so.

Will keep you all posted.

When you have a partner who is an unconscious bully, you learn new coping mechanisms daily.  Giving in is not me anymore, it takes more to bow me down.  Been there, done that, over it now, fight it out, else will always live with regrets in life.

Enough now, let the story unfold slowly... 

'Change your thoughts and you change your world'

-Norman Vincent Peale

Chhotobela

অনেক দিন ধরে লিখব লিখব ভাবছি, কিন্তু হয়ে আর উঠছে না, কেননা কি লিখব তাই তো ছাতা জানিনা :( ... কালকে আড্ডা মারতে মারতে হঠাত ছোটবেলা'র কিছু ঘটনা মনে পরে গেল, যাকে বলে রেমিনিস্সিং, সেই ঘটনা কিছু লিখে ফেলি :)

আমার ছোটবেলা টা কেটেছে কোন্নগর/রিশ্রা তে |  মামারবাড়ি ছিল এবং এখনো আছে নবগ্রাম-এ, ঠিক কোন্নগর-এর উল্টো দিক-এ, তাই মামারবারির প্রভাব টা ছিল ভিশন বেশি রকমের।  স্কুল-এর প্রজেক্ট নিয়ে সারাক্ষণ দৌড়াতাম মামা-দের কাছে, এবং তারা দুজনেই সব সময় চেষ্টা করত আমাকে হেল্প করতে।  আমার বড়মামা এই সুযোগ-এ আমার পেছনে লাগা ছাড়তো না, সরোজিনী নাইডু কে নিয়ে essay লিখতে হবে শুনে বলে দিলেন, লেখ, সরোজিনী নাইডু, you are a গান্ডু!! কি কেলেঙ্কারী, আমার লিটল ব্রেন তখন এই ভাষা শোনেনি, লিখেও ফেললাম, আমার মা হাই হাই করে উঠলেন তার ছোট ভাই-এর উপর !! .. বাড়ি শুদ্ধু সবাই হাঁসছে আবার বকছেও মামা কে ... তিনি নির্বিকার! তারপর কি হযেছিল ঠিক মনে পরে না, কিন্তু essay টা শেষ পর্যন্ত্য ভালই হযেছিল।

বড়মামা কিছু না কিছু সারাক্ষণ করে যেত আমাদের বাড়িতে, এমনি আর এক ঘটনা, তখন আমার বয়েস ৪/৫ হবে, ফুল টাইম স্কুল শুরু হইনি, মামারবাড়ি তে টিনটিন আর বেতাল এর কমিক্স থাকত লেটেস্ট গুলো, এই পরে পরে আমরা বাংলা শিখেছি। বেতাল এর প্রিয়তমা এবং পরে স্ত্রী, ছিলেন Diana Palmer ।  ইনি আমার অত্যন্ত প্রিয় পাত্রী ছিলেন, ওনার জন্যেই আমি আরও বেতাল পরতাম। একবার সারাদিন মামারবাড়ি তে কাটাচ্ছি, বাড়িতে তখন দিদা, বড়মামা, ছোটমামা আর ছোট মাসি। দিদা রান্নাঘরে ব্যস্ত, ছোটমামা তার পড়াশোনা নিয়ে, বড়মামা বেরোবে ছাত্রী পরাতে (তিনি তারপর আমার বরমামী হয়ে এসেছেন), আর ছোট মাসি'র কাজ ছিল আমাকে entertain করা, স্নান করানো, খেতে দেয়া,যাবতীয় ভার তার, উনি হচ্ছেন আমার দ্বিতীয় মা। শীতকাল এর সকাল, দিদা'র হুকুম মেয়ে টাকে, ভালো করে তেল মাখিয়ে স্নান করাবি, মাসি তাই আমাকে আপাদ মস্তক তেল লাগাচ্ছিল বারান্দায় দাড়িয়ে , এমন সময় মামা বেরোচ্ছে বারান্দা  দিয়েই, আর ঠিক তখনি একটা প্লেন আকাশ দিয়ে উড়ে যাচ্ছে, ধাক্কা দিয়ে দৌড়ে গেলাম দেখব বলে, মামা বললেন, ওই তো ওই প্লেন টা করে Diana Palmer আসছে, দমদম এয়ারপোর্ট-এ নামবে, তুই যদি ভালো হয়ে থাকিস তাহলে নিয়ে আসব বাড়িতে। সারাদিন আমি বারান্দা-এ কাটিয়েছি সেদিন, স্নান, খাওয়া ওখানেই সেরেছি, মিস করতে চাইনি মেন গেট দিয়ে Diana Palmer -এর এন্ট্রি। দুপুরের ঘুম আর সেদিন হইনি, দিদা বকেছে, আমার আদরের মাসি-ও বকেছে, কারুর কথা শুনিনি। বিকেলের দিকে যখন মামা, বাড়ি ঢুকলো একা, তখন একটাই প্রশ্ন ছিল মুখে, Diana Palmer কই? মামাও ততক্ষণে ভুলে গেছে কি বলেছিল আমাকে, কিন্তু উত্তর তার মুখে সব সময় তৈরি থাকত, তাই আমার প্রশ্নের উত্তর এলো, 'ওহো Diana Palmer এর ওলা ওঠা হযেছিল, মরে গেছে'। অনেক কান্নাকাটি করেছিলাম সেদিন, দিদা অনেক বকেছিল মামা কে। মাসি, মামা-রা, পরে বাবা, মা সবাই মুচকি হেসেছিল, কিন্তু আমার দুক্ষ টা কেউ কমাতে পারেনি সেদিন। পরে বড় হয়ে এই নিয়ে অনেক হেসেছি, ঘটনা টা অনেক কে বলেওছি, সবাই খুব মজা পেয়েছে :)

ঘটনার শেষ নেই, এরকম অনেক ছোট ছোট কাহিনী হতেই থাকত আমাদের বাড়িতে, এখনো হয়। মামারবাড়ি ভারী মজা, কিল চর নাই - এক্কেবারে সঠিক!

The Peaks !

My first view of the English countryside 21 years ago was on the way to Clacton-on-sea, a beautiful seaside.  New to the UK, I was in awe of the picturesque view I had seen.  Now 21 years later, living in this country, I still am in awe of its views.  

My journey was to Stoke-on-Trent this time, where we own a family business.  But I wasn't going to sit around in Stoke, when I know the Peak District is just an hour’s drive away.  So, I planned my day to visit the Woodhead Pass and the Snake Pass, south of Yorkshire.  Getting into my car and putting the location of my destination in the GPS system, which I think is God send, we set on our way.  We had not planned to be on the motorway for a long time, unfortunately though, we did have to spend some time on it.  
  

On the way to the Peak District, an hour’s journey from Stoke, we went on Chester Road, which I believe is part of the Golden Triangle as named by the locals as it houses the rich and famous of the area, Robbie Williams, his family lives here, as do some of the famous English footballers.  Though ask me to name some, I'd be lost after Beckham and Rooney !!   

Our first view of the Peaks was from Mottram Moor, gorgeous gorgeous views.  It was a grey day with incessant rains, but nothing was going to curb my enthusiasm.  The English countryside has so much to show, the valleys, the mountains, the lakes, the reservoirs and much more.  Moor, as the name suggests is a lot of green land or waste land, but in the English country this is all covered in green grass.  From a distance it looks as if the ground has been covered with velvet.  

Standing on top of the mountains and taking in the beauty of the green surrounding me, though the weather was chilly and it was drizzling, it felt like I was on top of the world surveying the world below my feet.  Driving down the never ending long roads, you wonder what it would be like if it was all covered in snow, unfortunately, we will have to be back another time to see that view again.  The Woodhead Pass has long roads in front of you and lots of green valley’s to see.  No steep roads as there are in the Harknott Pass of the Lake District.  Nearly at the top of the Pass now, we come across the clouds.  Thick dark clouds brought the rains pouring down on the car; visibility was next to zero, what a thrill to drive through that tormenting weather.  A lot of fear, a bit of excitement, we drove on, thrilled to be able to drive through the clouds.  On our way down the Pass, we lost the clouds soon enough, but not the rains, they kept following us, wherever we went.  Our companions for the day.

Checking on our route once again, we make our way to the Snake Pass.  Aptly named, this drive through the Pass was through winding roads along lush green pine trees.  The contrast of colours was a delight to the eyes, on one hand there were the pines with the luscious green colour on the other there were the rich burgundy of the trees that had lost all its leaves to the harsh winter. 

Robert Frost 1923

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

Hahahaha .. Fart!!

Though I laugh to start with, but how does one conclude this .. actually forget concluding, how does one continue this ?? Is it possible to write this without offending anyone, I hope so !

I was standing in the Bank, when a smart looking foreign woman let out a fart, oh the smell!! Disgusting!! and I thought to myself, hello, I am the curry eater here, what makes you fart so bad ? The rest of us in the queue shifted around, I waved the documents in my hands around my nose, to keep the air fresh. But I imagine she must have been mortified, yet the young woman stood there as if nothing happened.

Farting is something we all do, but I dont think I will ever be able to do it in public. I do know of people, who let go at the slightest opportunity! A nook or a cranny and they let it out, I am surprised to think, how is it that I do not get the slightest pressure to pass one out ?? My bathroom, my sanctuary, this is where I would let go, be myself!

Last night was the second time I heard someone sharing there experience about farting while having sex. My dear friend said that she let out a fart while making love to her husband.  Now her experience was that she laughed so hard about it, that the moment passed and love making went flying out the window.  On the other hand another experience says that the moment was erotic as one felt privy to the others private moment.  Each to their own I guess. As for me, well lets just say I'd probably be highly embarrassed if something like it happened to me.

A Belch is just one gust of wind,
That cometh from thy Heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
It turns into a Fart 

God help me if I were to let one out !

Just another day

Not really sure what to write today, but definitely have the urge to write.  So here goes nothing ...

I have recently taken up a new job.  Feels good to be back in the working scene once again.  A sabbatical of over 8 years, where I spent time looking after my family and spending a lot of time with friends, I didn't think it would be easy to get back into the 9 to 5 job routine.  Surprisingly though, I am actually enjoying spending this time out of home.  My job entails meeting people all day long, some talk a lot, some don't, its nice how time passes quickly on a busy day.

I, along with my family moved back to England after 6 years of stay in India.  I was missing my life back in India, my friends, my family, etc.  My girls were enrolled in school and college respectively and they started settling in.  On the other hand, I was at home watching t.v., cooking like there's no tomorrow and feeling miserable.  My days in India were spent mostly with traipsing around town with friends, shopping, movies, lunches, breakfasts and many more activities.  I was the so-called 'lady of leisure', yet here I am with abundant time in hand, but no friends around me to enjoy that time with!!  Thus my reason to go hunting for a job.

Precious time .. Time flies when you do something that you enjoy doing.  I am indeed enjoying my work at the moment, but I am missing India still.  It takes time to make friends and losing them all at one go wasn't something I was looking forward to, yet I did!  Being social comes naturally to me, thus being away from my friends have taken its toll on me.  At times making me think, that perhaps I would like to return to India again.  But seeing my children settling in so well, makes me change my mind instantly.  Living in a limbo, that's exactly what I am doing at the moment.  Keep telling my mind to take over my heart, but my heart seems to be running havoc in my life right now !!

My job, my only solace.  Thanks also to the modern technology, I am still atleast in touch with my friends.  The best feeling is to know that you are as much missed as you are missing.  Each day through the messages on facebook and blackberry, I realise I am missed as much !

Intro

Why Londoner Ilish ??? The name was suggested by a friend and it appealed to me, as I am in the process of making Ilish-er Biryani this weekend !!No reason for me to choose the name otherwise.  But I do have to find out the reason behind my friend's suggestion though.  Writing is not my forte, after some of you have read my blog you might not want to return again, but its an attempt at writing.  Please pardon me my grammatical errors and punctuations marks.

My English teacher though always appreciative of my essays in school or the contents of it, never really could give me the full marks for it as my grammar and punctuations sucked !!!   A very mediocre, less than mediocre student at most times, she was always wondering where I got stories from.  My mother, in order to teach my younger brother and I bengali in our younger days, got us hooked on to reading 'Betal' i.e. Phantom comics in Bengali.  The reading habit became an addiction soon and everything I found readable, was read up.  All magazines and comics that came into the house was in Bangla, my mother made sure of that.  Thus my awesome essays came to the notice of  my English teacher !!!

Ilish, as we all know, is the king of fishes, where the Bengali's are concerned.  A friends husband, an excellent cook, had the other day cooked up some Ilish Biryani, the pictures of which she put up on the net.  Me being a foodie, had to try cooking the Biryani !! Well still haven't been able to try my hand at it yet, but the coming weekend seems to be a good time to try it.  My mother makes wonderful Ilish-er bhaape which is my favourite.  Another favorite of mine is the Ilish with potatoes and eggplant, courtesy me!  Ilish is and always will be my favorite fish. 

Keeping it simple and writing from my heart is not always easy, but I will try.  Happy reading or boring, please let me know :)